• Nadja Eriksson

How deep listening makes you sexy

Updated: Jul 24, 2019

The composer and musician John Cage was once stuck in an elevator with a couple of other people. When the elevator resumed after what must have seemed like a very long time, he commented: "What marvellous music we just got to listen to!" His companions heard nothing but random sounds, but to John, it was the most beautiful piece of art.

Cage knew how to listen to the whole universe and appreciate every bit of it. He wasn't busy self-reflecting and getting lost in his own train of monkey-mind thoughts. He was constantly tuning his attention outwards, staying present to the world around him.

Imagine what it would be like to go on a date with someone who's that present with you. (As opposed to someone who is only talking about himself and making it a point to try to convince you of how fucking cool he is.) Someone who makes you feel like nobody else is in the room, and that you are the most interesting person in the world by *really* feeling you. Isn't that hot? You can start drawing this kind of person to you right now by being more like that yourself.

Deep presence it not just for men. Presence is a form of openness, and openness is life.

There is nothing sexier than being totally open and fully connected to life, in the eternal moment of now.

When we're really here, listening to what the other person has to say, fully taking them in, we're opening ourselves up to them. And we become more attractive by doing so.

When we are, on the contrary, talking to ourselves in our head, lost in thought, we can't fully engage with the world and the person in front of us.

What are the thoughts typically running through your head when you're out on a date? Are you concerned that you look fat in that tight dress? Worried that he thinks you're dull, talk too much, or that you'll never find a man who wants to commit to you? Or are you thinking about the next smart thing to say so you can make a good impression? We all want to be accepted, but if we're too inward and self-conscious, we'll never be able to make that deeper connection or create the intimacy we crave.

There's a risk we come across as either insecure and contracted, or arrogant and aloof, depending on whether you're just self-aware and afraid of rejection or trying to cover up that insecurity by shielding yourself and pretending that you don't really care. Neither one is attractive.

So what to do in such a situation?

Here are five simple yet powerful practices you can do to help you create a more genuine connection with your date (or anyone you're spending time with):

1.) Listen with your whole body. Don't just process what he's saying with your mind, listen with your heart too. You can do this by opening your chest, sitting upright instead of slouching, pulling your shoulders back and breathing deeply into your belly. Notice what happens in your body as you listen to the other person speaking. Feel out from your heart into his, using your capacity for empathy to sense his energy.

2.) Notice your judgements. Are you cynical and disappointed after years of dating? Do you have preconceived ideas of who the person in front of you is, putting them into categories? Judging someone based on ideas of who they are prevents you from really meeting the person. What would happen if you set aside your judgements for a while, and just get curious to who's really there? What is he feeling and longing for? Stay in a space of openness and curiosity. Also, be compassionate with his insecurities and efforts to make an impression on you, it means he actually cares.

3.) Ask yourself: "How can I serve?" Being in a mind-set of "How can I serve this person or situation?" takes the attention off of ourselves and our own insecurities. Tuning our attention out into the room and the other person is really attractive. It helps us become quiet in our heads and to be fully present and engaged with who's in front of us. An honest smile, or gently squeezing her hand to show that you care. Use your intuition. Even just holding out an intention to serve can make a huge difference.

4.) Trust your intuition. Often, we can be up in our own heads thinking about what to say next, while waiting for the other person to finish speaking. We become controlling and disconnected from Source. What we could do instead is to sink into the body, feeling our hearts and bellies, trusting that when it's our turn to speak, whatever wants to come through will come through, effortlessly and easily. Trust that your creative genius will talk through you, and that you don't have to plan it all out in advance.

5.) Relax and enjoy the ride. Most of us get caught up in this game, taking it all too seriously. Remember there's nothing to lose and nothing to get, so why not have some fun? Connecting deeply with someone doesn't have to be all stiff and sacred. What would happen if you'd let go and surrender the whole experience to life? Ultimately, nothing's really under control anyway, so why not have some fun with it?

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© Nadja Eriksson 2012-2020