I used to put relationships above my life’s work and I regret it…
Updated: Feb 8
I grew up in East Germany.
I can still hear my over-protective mother (I love you, mom!) telling me how much she wishes to always take care of me, until I found a good man to marry. Then he could take over and continue to care for me forever…
Girl power was clearly not a thing in the 80s and 90s when I was growing up.
My parents were modeling the perfect picture of what David Deida calls a first-stage relationship.
(For more on this, see his book Intimate Communion.)
But the stories we’re told growing up become the realities we live in. (Especially the stories we hear up until we’re 12 years old).
I remember getting off an airplane on the way back to New York City once.
Sheepishly, I asked my husband, “How can I support you even more in your work?”
“Just focus on yourself. Grow your coaching business,” he replied.
That didn’t land well.
“M’kay,” I replied.
What I really wanted to say was: But I want to be a good wife! I want to make a home for us, wash your clothes and cook dinner every night!
Clearly, we had widely different understandings of what a marriage should look like.
My story was that the man is the provider, and the woman is the head of the household. She takes care of the family and the home. If she works at all, it’s a side-hustle or a business/hobby.
Growing up in an equalitarian Swedish society, my husband’s story went more like this: husband and wife both work equally much, they have separate bank accounts, and everything should be divided 50/50.
David Deida calls this the second stage of intimate relating.
For years, we worked hard on aligning our stories. We eventually found a compromise where he paid more because he made more. But still, nobody was truly happy.
It took me months of deep inner work to uncover all the limiting beliefs lurking in my subconscious mind, keeping me small and in hiding.
When I think about all the time I “wasted” not working more on my career, I cringe. (Especially when I look at all those 20-something multimillionaires.)
Alas, I’m a late bloomer.
My point with this shameful tale is this:
Your stories shape you.
As long as you carry self-sabotaging stories in your subconscious mind, you cannot create a life that is in full alignment with your soul’s highest destiny.
When my mentor told me that nothing can fulfil you as much as your Divine destiny–your Dharma–the final piece of the puzzle fell into place. (Maybe because she’s also Eastern European?)
Of course, my feminine heart loves to give, receive, and make love. But the masculine in me will never be satisfied unless I offer my deepest heart’s gifts to the world.
I believe the trick to finding wholeness is weaving both together into one.
What if your Dharma is Love?
How much Love can you offer as you’re arranging a bouquet of flowers, taking beautiful photographs, or teaching people how to cook wholesome meals?
You don’t have to be a spiritual teacher to serve Love. You can do so in every moment and every aspect of your life, with a wide-open heart.
If you’re also tired of wasting precious time fumbling around because you know you’re not (yet) serving at the level you were born to, you might want to consider hiring a mentor as well.
You need reflection from a clear guide who sees you in your Highest, is not afraid to lovingly call you out on your victim stories (I wish someone had told me ten years ago!), and leads you back to your greatness again and again whenever you forget.
If you’re like “Yes!, I want to make 2023 my year!” I’d love to support you.
Lead with Love, my premium mentorship program, is now open for application.
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