The weird part of expectations
Updated: Jul 24, 2019
Expectations are the biggest cause for pain and disappointment in human relationships. You have an idea in your mind of how you want your lover to behave, to look like, to talk. And then you get angry if they don't, if they act in a way that doesn't meet your expectations. This is the fastest way to kill off any relationship.
Trust love more than anything. More than your demanding mind, the way of the ego. Can you allow your lover to fully express himself in the way that his deepest truth wants to express itself through him?
What if you would not interfere?
What if you could simply observe, with an open heart, just like you would look at your newborn baby. You have no expectations on your baby to perform in a way you want it to, right? You just watch it with a smile on your face and an open heart-with pure love.
Can you look at your lover equally open-minded, with unconditional love, compassion and curiosity? Could you see them as a vulnerable child who innocently wants to explore the world? To be free, expressive, spontaneous, without worrying that he is doing something wrong that would not please you? That there would be some sort of retaliation for their actions, because they might step on your toes and hurt your emotions?
How wide can you let your heart be opened by love? You see, the heart always wants to open, to love and expand. The ego on the contrary wants to possess, control, manipulate. It wants to have it's way, judge, hold on, stop growth and limit love to a smaller version to feel safe and secure in its comfort zone.
By doing so, you are killing your lover's spirit. You are creating a prison of your own making, you're crushing not only your own joy but also the joy of your beloved.
But joy is what brings you together.
Joy is what makes you choose each other. You feel alive with your lover, in the beginning, when you first meet. It's a happy, tingling feeling inside. You call it “being in love”. But after about six months, you start doubting.
The mind wants to possess what it believes to be the source of it's happiness: your lover. You start to be afraid that she might leave you again, and that with her, your happiness will fade once more.
Thus, you do anything in your power to preserve this moment, to preserve that state of being. The problem with that is that life needs to flow, just like water. It needs to be in constant motion, otherwise it will become stagnant and rotten like foul smelling water in a green pond.
Then you wonder why life and your relationship suddenly doesn't feel so good anymore. Well, how can it if you're desperately trying to stop the flow of life?
Just like water, life needs to be in constant motion, moving and flowing, to stay fresh and healthy. That's why they say that the only constant is change. Can you welcome that? The more you welcome the flow of life, the more you will stay connected to the source of it.
You can only flow with life, because as soon as you are trying to manipulate it into a static entity, you too will become stagnant.
When you watch your lover in her joyful, creative, and free expression of herself, remember to breathe. Always keep 50% of your attention on your own body, on your own breath. Stay with yourself, stay connected to your own source of live.
When you connect to your own stream, you will more and more learn that the source of joy is inside of you, and that you do not depend on your lover to experience this. Joy is who you are, love is who you are, freedom is who you really are.
When you remember that deep in your core, you will not feel afraid anymore. You will cease to try to control your lover with demands and expectations on how they should act and who they should be to preserve your happiness. You will no longer need them to be there for you all the time so you can feel safe, because you will have found all the safety you need within yourself.
Remember to choose love, and that you're never ever alone in this. Your inner being chooses you too. What you seek is also seeking you. If you relax and surrender deeper into your own body and being, something will be there to catch you. All you need to do is to allow it. Stop fighting with what is, leave it to life and infinite intelligence to play itself out in front of you, and just be the observer of your experience.
Rest within your own body, your own being.
This is where you will find all the security, comfort, love, support, and trust you need. Your source is infinite. It is not limited, since it is not of this world. You can trust it. It loves you and it cares for you unconditionally.
This is your source, your own connection to all that is. Whenever you stay connected to it, life will feel effortless and intelligent. You can relax your ego's demands and expectations on the world so that you can be happy and free.
Now that you have learnt what love is not, it is time for you to understand what love is. Love can indeed be to lovingly challenge your partner (or friend). Not to have your expectations met so you can feel good, but because you want them to be the best version of themselves.
For their own sake and for the sake of all. When you see them not being the highest version of themselves, you can ask if you may lovingly point out the areas where they are holding themselves back or make themselves smaller than they can be.
This is a form of divine dependency. You want what's best for them, for the sake of their growth and their highest good, as well as the benefit and highest good of all beings. Not so you can feel good and to avoid your own misconceptions of how they should act to make you happy, but because you look at them with love and want them to be nothing less than their highest potential in this human form.
So you may wonder, how do I do this?
The first step is to take the focus off of yourself for a moment. Often, we are so wrapped up in our own feelings and thoughts that we don't even fully perceive the other. Using empathy and placing your attention onto them, feeling into them with all your heart and intuition, you may ask yourself: How can I serve?
What would be the highest choice in this moment? Sometimes it may mean to just let them be, to pursue their video games or food addictions, and all you can do is to have compassion and empathy for them, knowing that you too have those places of darkness hidden inside of yourself too.
But then there may also be times when your intuition urges you to call them out on their bullshit. Not as to change them so you can avoid your triggered emotions, but to help them to see clearer and to lovingly coax them back into the light of their own being.
You might say something like this: "Hey, I see you are having some conflicting behavior going on, and I am wondering if you want some help with this? Can I help you see this more clearly?"
If, and only if, your partner says "Yes, please" should you offer your perspective. It's a good idea to ask for permission.
You might say something like "I hear you saying that you are unhappy with your weight, yet I see you put food into your mouth as soon as some unpleasant emotion comes up in you."
Or, "You say you want to stop playing this video-game, but you're using it over and over again. It looks like you are self-sabotaging. Do you want help with this?"
The requires a lack of co-dependency, because as long as you get emotionally triggered by their actions, you are attached to their behavior, and you want them to change for your own sake.
To achieve this level of divine dependency, where you help each other to be your best self, you need to be committed to doing your own deep inner work. You cannot help someone from a triggered place inside of yourself.
It is only when you can breathe through your own emotions and feelings that you can genuinely support your beloved from a place of love and compassion.
There is a fine line, and it takes practice and awareness to be clear enough to know the difference between wanting to change them so you can feel better and wanting to help them grow to shed layers of ego-resistance, so they can grow into the highest version of themselves.
Humility and compassion are key here.
There is so much projection going on, where you think you want to help them for their sake, but it is really only for your own sake.
How many times have you tried to manipulate your partner into doing something so their behavior would match your view of the world? How many times have you asked them to change so that you can feel good?
Being in relationship is a deep practice of the heart. It means getting over our own righteousness and learning to love and appreciate each other's idiosyncrasies, all their flaws and shortcoming, without having to change them for your own sake.
That alone can take a decades, sometimes even a lifetime to master.
Once you're accustomed to working with your own emotions and know your triggers, you may be ready to practice seeing the higher perspective. Take a deep breath, step back from the situation and try to assume the higher perspective.
"How does God see this, or What would love do now?" are valuable questions to ask yourself.
Wait for the answer to emerge from the silence of your heart. Let the voice of your intuition speak to you from within. Trust these first impulses.
The more you trust it, the stronger it gets.
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