How to end your judgment
Updated: Jul 24, 2019
Confession: I’m quite judgemental. Or, not me, really, but the one I think I am (most of the time, anyway): my ego-mind, or conditioned personality. You know, the one you were told you are when you grew up; attached to it your name, family history, intimate partner, and chosen career. The one we spend so much time on fixing and improving by going to self-help seminars, getting coaching, and reading books on personal development.
So anyway, this person we believe ourselves to be has the propensity for judgement. I’ve read somewhere (can't remember where now) that when it comes to perceiving the world around us, there's two types of people: one of them simply observes the world with curiosity, taking everything in with great interest (like most children do); and then there's this other category of people (which I’m admittedly a member of): those who perceive the world through their ego-mind’s filter of constant judgement. Everything they see, they judge as good or bad, right or wrong, desirable or undesirable. What and how we judge has a lot do do with our belief systems and upbringing, and the resulting conditioning. In my case, I used to be extremely judgemental towards obese people (sorry chubby folks!). I could see someone who was overweight and think how terribly fat they were, and how unhealthy that is (and unattractive), and that they really should lose weight. Was it any of my business? Hell no! But by judging them for their weight, I made it my business, and suddenly I was feeling unhappy.
What I didn't see (or wasn’t willing to see) was that I was judging myself. Someone once explained to me that all judgement is in reality self-judgement. Was I judging myself for being a few kilos too heavy? Hell yes! Every single day. Have I been “lovingly” teased by my surroundings and family for being curvy as I transitioned into my teenage years? Yes. Have I internalized their judgement of me (along with society's judgements of how a woman should look like to be loved) and made them my own? You bet. Is that why I've been judging big people for being big my whole life? I think so. Now the above example is an obvious ones. But what about our more subtle, less obvious judgements? Maybe some of them are so widely accepted that we don't even recognize them as judgements anymore. (Before we go on, let me make this distinction: judgement is not the same as discernment. How can you tell the difference? Discerning feels more like a stating of facts, without any strong emotional current to it. When you say the cat is black, not white, you’re stating a fact. When you’re judging, there’s a stronger negative emotional pull to it. When you pay attention, you can feel the difference in your body. But more on that later.) Here's another example: Last night, I had a conversation with my husband; and I was exclaiming what a misogynist, racist bigot Donald J. Trump is. I was just ranting unconsciously, when my husband stopped me short in my tracks (he's such a badass!). He said: "Nadja, don't go there. Don't be part of the mob. This is not so black and white. Everybody either loves or hates Trump. But it's really not that simple. Don’t lie in your statements. Stick to the facts, tell the truth." (He's not a Trump-supporter by the way, just a really discerning guy). So he helped me break it down, and I had to lick my hurt ego's wounds and acknowledge that he was right.
I could have fought back, defending my self-righteous judgements, but where would this lead us? Into a dinner-argument over nothing? Haha. So not worth it. Byron Katie says that defense is the first act of war. She is right. As I was thinking about this article today, I thought back to this conversation with my man. I realized that all these small (or big) judgements are labels (like racist, jerk, bitch, bigot, or the best one: patriarch!) our egos place on other people and situations to prevent us from seeing them through the eyes of God. What if all of these judgements are really our own pain projected outwards onto the world?
Jesus said: "And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?”
I believe (and have experienced through many glimpses) that God looks at the world and sees nothing but Her eternal love and perfection. The ego looks at the world and sees pain, suffering, and lack. By keeping on judging, we disable ourselves from experiencing the world through the eyes of God. All those labels (which are, in essence, judgements, since judgements don't even always have to be negative) create the perception of separation. If you want to see the world through the mind of God, stop labeling. Think about it: how do you really want to feel? Most of us want to feel happy. Or at least content. Not miserable and hurting inside. If you're sensitive, you'll notice that judgemental thoughts feel painful inside. By judging others, we’re really just hurting ourselves. As the old adage goes: "Judging someone is like drinking poison and hoping that the other person will die." Whenever I’m judging, I become miserable and contracted. I lose my inner alignment, and I slide into a downward spiral of negative thinking and bad feeling emotions.
So why does it feel painful when we think judgemental thoughts? The way I've come to understand it is that these painful emotions are signals from our inner being (or Soul, or Higher Self, if you wish) who’s sending us the signal through our emotional guidance system that we’re off track. In other words, we’re not seeing through the eyes of love (which is how we’d perceive the world if we were in alignment with the mind of God); but through our ego-minds. (The illusion we've built our identities around is ego. It’s fear-based, constantly in defense or attack, and mostly full of scarcity thinking.) In the mind of God, there are no mistakes, and there’s nothing to judge. So how do we see through the eyes of love? How can we make the shift from looking through the judgemental ego-mind to looking at the world with the mind of God? Well, the process is quite simple; all it takes is faith and the willingness to surrender our fear-based, judgemental thoughts over to the mind of God for correction. (If you, for some reason, have a hard time with the G-word, just replace it with Spirit, the Universe, Goddess, or whatever suits you best.) Here's a simple three step process I've come up with to help you stop judging (and suffering):
1. Slow down. Most of the time, our mind produces it’s 90.000 thoughts a day (mostly repetitive and negative) on autopilot. We're not even conscious about them and how we're judging others (and ourselves!). Most of us are so used to thinking negatively and feeling contracted that we think this is what life should be like. But it's not. Life is supposed to feel good, and I believe that we have every reason to be happy and grateful (unless you have some really serious stuff going on, in which case it's obvious that you need to grieve, or rage, or whatever). Joy and peace is our natural state when we’re in alignment with spirit. So by slowing down, we're able to recognize what's going on and become more conscious of our thinking patterns.
2. Notice your judgements. The best way to notice that you're off track is by checking in with our emotions. Do you feel happy and content? Or do you feel resentful, grumpy, and hurting inside? Your emotions are like your inner guidance system (your GPS). They’re informing you whether you're in our out of alignment with who you really are (source energy having a human experience). The more you get in touch with your emotions and the way you feel inside, the more you can use your inner guidance in everyday life situations too. Just notice: “Oh, here’s another judgement. I see you.” 3. Hand them over to your Big She. Once you've become aware of your judgements, don't punish or beat yourself up over it. Please don't make the mistake I used to do all the time by judging yourself for being judging. Then you become like a dog who's chasing his own tail. We can do better than that. Hand over those misconceived notions to the mind of God for correction instead. Ask your Higher Self to guide you, or pray by saying: "Dear God, I hand over my judgements about so and so over to you; please correct them, so I can see through your loving eyes and come into alignment. I want to be at peace; so please remove those blind posts from my eyes so I can see clearly. (if that is thy will, may thy will be done). Amen." That's it. The transformation may happen in a heartbeat, or it may take a couple of days (Marianne Williamson says it takes three days from the crucifixion to the resurrection, or for the Holy Spirit to work); but if you're sincere, you'll notice that the judgemental thoughts will soon be gone and you'll feel way more at peace and relaxed after giving them up to spirit.
I feel things are constantly moving and shifting as I’m leaning more and more towards the bigger part of me (Spirit) than judging little Mini-Me. I feel calmer, more patient (which is huge), and more unconditionally loving. Until another layer of shit comes up to the surface to be released and surrendered. But that's the fun part of life: it never stops, and it never gets boring.
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